Grief’s Ebb & Flow

There is no doubt; these are difficult times on many levels.  Some of the people I speak with talk about losing their savings in the down market.  Others talk about job loss and how frightened they are of a future that is uncertain.  These and many other life losses lead to profound grief. 

Its one thing to know that you are feeling the pull of grief but it is quite another thing to know what to do about it.  Sometimes it is the realization that you have no control that fuels the feelings of grief. 

If you can, find someone you can share your feelings with.  Your real feelings not just the ones you think they want to hear.  This can be hard to do but once you take that first step, you just might feel a whole lot better.

Very often adversity leads to a renewal within you.  This might be a good time to look at what you value most in your life and really begin to focus on the people and things in your life that are most important to you.  If you are in the depths of grieving now, hold tight.  The storm will pass and you will emerge renewed.

Remember the butterfly.  The struggle is often part of the life’s journey.

You Just Never Know

You Just Never Know

Recently an article appeared in my local newspaper that caught my attention.  A woman wrote to the newspaper to apologize and thank a man she had encountered at the post office.  Seems the man held the door open for her as she entered the building but lost in her own thoughts, she failed to notice or thank the man for his kindness.  With no word or acknowledgement from her, his loud booming  “you’re welcome!” snapped her out of her own thoughts and back to the present moment. 

She continues writing to say how sorry she was for not acknowledging the kindness (as she usually does) but was distracted that day.  A close friend called to tell the woman that her father just died suddenly of a massive heart attack.  This woman had been a support to the writer whose own father was gravely ill in a nursing home the past few weeks.  As she entered the post office, she was thinking about the irony and sadness of it all and how she could help her friend when the man mentioned above delivered his “you’re welcome”.

The story reminded me of just how often I play one of those roles in my own day-to-day life.  Since I work with those in grief or very difficult life transitions, job loss, death, or divorce, I am often lost in thoughts of how they are feeling or how I can help them, or even my own personal issues at the moment.  How many times have I not acknowledged a kind gesture another person extended to me?  How often do I just not see it as I drift in a sea of my own thoughts?  Other times, I extend a kindness to someone and they ignore the gesture or don’t seem to notice or care.  Do they just not care?  Are they lost in thoughts and difficulties I can’t see or imagine?  Fact is, I just don’t know.

The newspaper article gave me an insight; a reason to pause and reflect on the burdens each of us carries at various times in our lives.   When I encounter a stranger I don’t really know what is going on with them at that moment.  I don’t know if they are experiencing a difficult time in their life or if they are just the ungrateful type who would never acknowledge a kindness extended to them.  I do know that I have a choice.  I can extend the kindness.  How the person on the receiving end takes it is really up to them.  I have no part in that.  Extending the kindness enriches my life.  That in itself is a wonderful gift to me.  If the receiver takes it and acknowledges it, I’m doubly blessed. 

The flip side of this however is that these are difficult times for many of us.  The newspaper article reminded me to allow room for others to grieve, to work through their difficulties in ways that work for them.  The path of grief is often jagged and sometimes causes the behaviors that we see and experience to seem a little harsher than normal. 

My insight?  I’m best served by choosing to extend love and kindness to others I encounter throughout my day.  I just never know what they are going through.  Easy to say, tough to do?  Yes but the woman in the post office served as a reminder to try and walk in love and kindness each day.

Coach Linda

Lessons on Grief from Yoga Class

Normally I don’t take a yoga class at the gym.  I often find the session a challenge for my body which resists bending and stretching in the way my fellow classmates seem to be able to manage.  But for some reason that I can’t fully explain, I had a desire to take this class that referred to the 1 hour yoga class as “restorative”.  That sounded gentle enough for me to endure.  It was and I was glad that I had made the decision.  But it is the pearls of wisdom that the yoga teacher shared with us, the challenges she gently presented us with, the invitation to think deeper that I wanted to share with you today.  I think that when considered through the eyes of grief, the thoughts offer comfort and encouragement for the grief journey.

Pearl of Wisdom #1 – After getting into a challenging yoga pose, my body began the parade of physical signs reflective of my internal thought of “let’s get this pose over with!”  The grimace, the loss of balance at one point, the verbal “ouch”, offered up by me and some of my fellow students led the teacher to the observation that many of us just wanted to end the pose.  In a gentle, soothing voice she said “remember, everything has a beginning, middle and end”.  She encouraged us to think about that during the pose, to focus on the benefit of each phase, to take what we could from the challenge of holding the pose.

And so it is with grief and loss.  It too has a beginning, middle and end.  With grief it seems that the beginning arrives in our lives uninvited, stays way too long (the middle) and the end seems nowhere in sight.  But holding to the thought that grief will pass through the beginning, to the middle and finally to the end. My experience tells me that the “end” is often different for each of us.

Pearl of Wisdom #2 – During the yoga class I glanced at the clock quite a few times.  Thoughts of “how much longer??!!”, “how long have we been working our thighs??”, “what time will I actually get back home?” filled my head.  I’m sure many of my fellow classmates suffered the same thoughts.  It seems that many of my fellow students also couldn’t resist the urge to see what time it was – often during the hour.  Our ever observant yoga leader took notice and offered the words “Time is an illusion.  Now is all we have.  Enjoy the now.”  The words helped me stop the parade of thoughts and focus on the present.

And so it is with grief and loss.  All too often we seem to be unable to stop thinking about what was, or what we want to be rather than the now.  I know that the difficult challenge when one suffers a loss is letting go.  Moving forward takes time in the grief process.  But a gentle reminder to ourselves to enjoy something about the now will help us, soothe us, and possibly give us the needed strength to move forward even if moving forward is one small step. 

So many things in life are about loss:  death, losing a job, saying goodbye to a dear friend moving away, retiring.  The list is endless since life is often about saying goodbye and letting go is difficult.  The yoga lesson offered me so much more than the physical.  Accepting the wisdom of “everything has a beginning, middle, and end” and “enjoy the now” touched me because I was open to the message.

Farrah’s Story

Farrah’s Story
I was so deeply moved by the story of Farrah which aired last Friday night. Not only her brave battle fighting cancer, but her willingness to allow us to see and experience her struggle left me profoundly moved. All too often, this side of life is lived out in private, behind closed doors.
Farrah’s story touches me on another level as well. I’m sure that as she lived her life she never imagined she would be called to do something like this. We all go along, living our lives not knowing if, when or how we will be called to be a light for others. She has shown what it means to stand up for something, to fight back against an enemy.
I watched her and wondered if I could be so brave in the face of such pain and suffering. Her inner strength, her resolve to stand with dignity in the face of death has touched me deeply.  Where are you in your grief process? 
Coach Linda

Loss Close at Heart

I recently experienced the loss of someone close  in my family.  It’s at times like these that I realize how connected we all are.  Returning to work, focusing once again on moving forward in my life has been a challenge.  Thoughts of my family member, thoughts of the good times, thoughts of what will no longer be have filled my days and sadness settles over me.

While I know that each of us experiences grief many times throughout our lives, when it is close and personal, it engulfs us.  I know it takes time, I know I will feel better.  But right now, I don’t. 

Coach Linda

Lessons from Tim Russert’s Life

This past week has been filled with stories about the life Tim Russert lived.  How he lived life to the fullest.  I am saddened at his passing; saddened at losing such a remarkable person and journalist.  As I listen to the many stories, I am reminded again of the lessons death teaches us. 

Although I never knew Tim Russert personally, here are a few of the lessons his life and death taught me:

1. A life well lived, with passion and enthusiasm, touches other people in ways we never know.  Tim’s passion for his work and family touched everything he did and it showed.  Many have said they they are not mourning his life, but rather celebrating a life well lived.  That is a legacy I would like to leave this earth with.   Today I ask myself, am I living with passion?  Could I step it up just a bit?  Tim’s life reminds me that it is possible!
2. Take the time NOW to tell those special people in our life just what they mean to us and just how important their presence is in our life.  None of us knows when we will die.  It is important to share our feelings openly as Tim modeled for us.  The rewards are great for those who do.  I ask myself, “When did I last tell those in my life how much they mean to me?” 
3. Family relationships shape the quality of our lives.   Be proud of your family!  Let them know.  Tim was!  He signed off the air after his Meet the Press show by acknowledging his love of Big Russ and his son.  Openly and publicly.  Tim’s life reminds me to nurture love each day.  I hope to find myself with a personal history that I can look back on with total joy and satisfaction.
4. Fathers have a special role to fill in their children’s life.  Cherish that role.  No one can do it better than a parent can.  There is no price you can put on the love that returns to you!  Others can help but they just can’t take your place. 
5. The love and respect Tim showed for his father reminds me that the father/son relationship endures for a lifetime - if we’re smart enough to nurture the bond by relating to each other with continued love and respect throughout our lifetime.  
6. Embrace your heritage – Tim spoke about his blue collar roots growing up in Buffalo, New York.  His love of this country was shaped by the values instilled in him by his family and the experiences he had.   Being proud of his past, embracing it, and making it a part of who he was were all things that shaped the man we knew as Tim Russert.  How much of my past do I embrace? 

These are just a few of the lessons I have been reminded of this past week.  Death is a teacher.  It teaches us how to live just a little fuller, a little deeper and with a lot of love.  Don’t wait for someone in your life to pass away before you take some of these lessons into you heart and live fully!

Coach Linda

 

Talking About Loss

Recently a dear friend’s mother passed away.  As I collected my thoughts, I was immediately reminded of a number of thoughts and feelings that surface in me when I hear news of a friend’s loss.  I thought I would list a few of them, in no special order in the hopes that you might relate to them as well. 

1.  Should I call?  Is now the right time?  Since her Mom lived across the country, I had no idea if she was alone, busy with the details of the wake and funeral, helping her Dad.  While the questions came and I didn’t have any answers, I decided to trust my heart and reach out to her right then.  I was only able to leave a voice mail, but I felt better knowing that she knew I was thinking about her.  A return message from her told me that she felt better knowing that so many of her friends were thinking of her with loving support.

2.  What should I say?  Will I make things worse?   There is often that moment of doubt when first reaching out to someone who has just suffered a loss.  What if I freeze up and don’t know what to say and end up saying nothing??  Somehow the right words come.  Trusting one’s self is the right path to choose.  In times of grief, we want to know that other’s are supporting us whether it is in thoughts, words or action.  Even the strongest person needs comfort and support during difficult times.

3.  After the call, then what?   I find that the best way for me to handle this question is to simply ask the person what I can do for them.  Sometimes it is bringing over dinner and spending some time with them.  For others it is being around for a phone conversation and listening to them talk about their feelings.  I never assume that the grieving person does not need anything.  I have found that they may not know what they want or how to ask for it.  The act of giving is an act of love.

Coach Linda

Grief Hidden

While grief is a normal part of life and something we all experience many times in many ways, it isn’t always apparent to us when we begin the process.  Grief doesn’t always come in large, life altering events.  Sometimes it is a gradual, slow change that comes quietly one day at a time.

I was recently speaking to a friend who’s husband’s health is failing.  I asked her how she was feeling as she entered into this new stage of her life.  She wasn’t immediately sure of what I was asking.  It was apparent to me that she was in the process of saying goodbye to the husband and marriage that she has know for 30 years and beginning the process of loving someone through illness.  I was moved by the way she opened up and shared her thoughts and fears with me.

It’s not always easy to see something like this when you are in the middle of it.  Not easy because it involves loss.  Facing loss of this kind takes time; it takes support and most of all, time to accept.

If you know someone in this stage of thier life, why not reach out to them?  Give them the support they need but don’t even know what to ask for.   It will be a precious gift to them….and to youself.

I wish you peace on your journey through grief.

Coach Linda

 

 

Tell them what you need.

After experiencing the death of a loved one, family and friends often don’t know what they should do to help or support you.  Should they speak about the person who is no longer here?  Should they stay silent and only offer a listening ear when you talk about your loved one?  They want to do the right thing but often just don’t have an understanding of what the “right thing” is.

Although it may be difficult for you, telling them what you want is the best way to ensure that you will get the care and tenderness that you long for.  Let them know that your tears are a reflection of what is going on inside of you and to not be afraid of seeing you grieve. 

You know it is important to allow you the time and space to openly grieve.  Help them help you to express your feelings.  Here are a few suggestions of things you can tell them.

1. It’s OK to talk about the person who died.  You long for such conversations and want to talk about them.
2. Say “Don’t be turned away by my deep grieving.”  Reassure them that the grieving won’t last forever; healing will take place within you.
3. Ask them to allow you to talk about the circumstances surrounding the death.  It’s a way of processing what has occured and an important part of  the healing process.
4. Tell them not to be afraid of upsetting you by speaking about the good memories of times past.  Those memories are so comforting during grief and hearing them again is like a soothing band-aid on your grieving heart.
5. Remind them not to shut you out or to leave you alone because they don’t know what to say or do.  Help them understand your need for their company, that just being with them will help you feel better.

In my coaching practice I often hear how isolating grief can be.  Many don’t understand the grief process until they themselves go through it themselves.  Help others help you by telling them directly what you need. 

 Coach Linda

Valentine’s Day

For those hurting from loss, the day is not so sweet.  I remember my first Valentine’s Day after separating from my husband.  I couldn’t bear to see all of the hearts and flowers, all the sentimental sayings.  I spent a lot of time crying and a lot of effort just trying to shut the world out.  I didn’t think that I would ever feel better.  Over the years, working with others who have also suffered a loss (like losing a child or wife), I have a deeper understanding that these feeling are felt by many others.  Talking with others, sharing my pain and feelings of loss all worked together to bring about healing.  Yes it took time, but healing did come. 

So on this Valentine’s Day, remember to honor your feelings.  Do for yourself what you need to do.  Keep focused on “the day will pass” and you will make it through the pain.

 Coach Linda