Death a Bit Removed

The recent death of Assembly Minority Leader Alex DeCroce has been reported in the local newspapers the last few days.  While I did not know him personally, his sudden death at the NJ State House this week did in some ways touch me deeply.  Mr. DeCroce was from my voting District, he lived in the town next to mine, and his funeral service will be at a church that I have attended many times.  Among many others, the Governor of NJ has been emotional about losing a good friend and mentor.

So how did his death affect me?  Well for one thing, it was a reminder that tomorrow is not promised to any of us.  The suddenness of DeCroce’s death caused me to think, “What if it was someone that I loved?” “What if it was me?”  Would I regret not speaking to those I love a bit kinder, a bit more often?

DeCroce’s death also reminded me that I frequently don’t think about the impact I have on others around me.  We interact with so many people over the course of our lifetime, that we all too often, don’t give it a lot of thought.  His death reminded me to stop and think about my impact, to not take it too lightly; to do the best that I can with each encounter that I am a part of.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Coach Linda

How loss, death and grief touch a life

As I begin a new year, January 2012, I thought that I would write each time I am touched by loss to see and share the experience with all of you.  I think the sharing will be a way to heal and touch the lives of those around me.

So far, day 4 of the new year, and I have nothing to write about.  This is good news!  Let me know how your new year is so far.

Coach Linda

Tips for managing grief during the holiday season

The upcoming holiday season may not be the joy-filled event for everyone that those familiar, every present Christmas songs reminisce about.  For some of us, the holidays will be filled with sadness as we navigate through the loss and death of a loved, loss of any kind such as job loss, divorce or even retirement.  These are painful days that stretch out before us.  Letting go of expectations, traditions, hope all take work….and time.

Grieving is unique for each person.  There is no timetable, no easy way around grief.  With that in mind, I have put together some tips for managing your emotions this holiday season. 

1. Allow others to comfort you.
2. Plan for the upcoming holidays — don’t just let them unfold.
3. Give yourself permission to go slower than your normal pace.
4. Stay connected with your feelings.
5. Talk over plans with family members and friends.
6. Make a ritual of passing on traditions that are observed each holiday.
7. Think about doing something different for this holiday.
8. Do what is right for you.
9. Don’t put yourself under unnecessary stress.
10. Reach out and help others this holiday season.

Death of a Legend

The passing of Tony Curtis is the topic of news sites, blogs, websites, etc. today.  With the death of a legend, the news media pulls out old movie clips, headlines and other memorabilia as a way to honor and remind us of someone who has touched our lives.  One article I read said “Curtis maybe gone, but his legacy lives on”.

The legacy comment got me to thinking.  What does it take to create a legacy?  What are the things worth being remembered for?  While I don’t really have the answers, I would be interested in your thoughts.

Most of the people I know who have died were not the ones the media writes about but they were important people in my life.  Curtis’ passing brought to my mind some pretty significant people who touched my life in some pretty significant ways. I have been glad for the opportunity to know them, experience them as part of my life and sad to say goodbye to them when they died.  I know that cycle of living and dying will continue.  Seems to serve as a reminder to pay attention to how I want to be remembered. Curtis’ life is one worth looking back on, hope mine will be too.  What about you?

What 9/11 Taught Me

I remember a friend visiting me in New Jersey one month after the 9/11 attack . He said he wanted to go into New York City to see the World Trade Center site.  So we made the trip into the city.  At that time, emergency teams were still searching for bodies in the pile of concrete, steel, and ashes.  While we could only get within one block of the actual tower site, the streets were filled American flags, stickers and banners proclaiming support and love for those lost in the towers.  Many people signed white sheets that were hung everywhere and visitors were everywhere.  You could feel the heaviness in the air and the grief was apparent on so many faces.  It was an unbelievable experience for me and for my friend from Texas and in the years since then I have frequently thought back to that day. I asked myself “what did I learn that day”?

The one thing that stands out in my mind is that on 9/11/2001 I learned that life can change in an instant.  Suddenly I became very aware of what is important, what matters most to me.  Hopefully the lesson isn’t lost as time passes.

Grieving is a process that takes whatever time it takes.  There is no timetable that works for everyone.  It is true for the sadness and loss that each of us felt, and feels, about the events of September 11^th.  While it is true for all loss, it is something that we don’t always acknowledge.  The collective grieving that continues each year offers hope of  healing as we focus on what is important, what is of real value in life.  For me, that is to appreciate and value the people in my life every day. try to keep this lesson in my heart.  The September 11 anniversary is a reminder for me once again that life is unpredictable.

Grief Touches All of Us

I am no stranger to grief.  This past week, my ex-husband passed away suddenly at the age of 58.  No illness, no warning.  While this alone is devastating to anyone whose life he touched, it is particularly difficult for our daughter whose wedding is one month away to the day.

I am reminded once again, that nothing in this life is guaranteed.  I’m reminded once again that I am always called to face new challenges, some I like many I don’t.

Grief’s Ebb & Flow

There is no doubt; these are difficult times on many levels.  Some of the people I speak with talk about losing their savings in the down market.  Others talk about job loss and how frightened they are of a future that is uncertain.  These and many other life losses lead to profound grief. 

Its one thing to know that you are feeling the pull of grief but it is quite another thing to know what to do about it.  Sometimes it is the realization that you have no control that fuels the feelings of grief. 

If you can, find someone you can share your feelings with.  Your real feelings not just the ones you think they want to hear.  This can be hard to do but once you take that first step, you just might feel a whole lot better.

Very often adversity leads to a renewal within you.  This might be a good time to look at what you value most in your life and really begin to focus on the people and things in your life that are most important to you.  If you are in the depths of grieving now, hold tight.  The storm will pass and you will emerge renewed.

Remember the butterfly.  The struggle is often part of the life’s journey.

You Just Never Know

You Just Never Know

Recently an article appeared in my local newspaper that caught my attention.  A woman wrote to the newspaper to apologize and thank a man she had encountered at the post office.  Seems the man held the door open for her as she entered the building but lost in her own thoughts, she failed to notice or thank the man for his kindness.  With no word or acknowledgement from her, his loud booming  “you’re welcome!” snapped her out of her own thoughts and back to the present moment. 

She continues writing to say how sorry she was for not acknowledging the kindness (as she usually does) but was distracted that day.  A close friend called to tell the woman that her father just died suddenly of a massive heart attack.  This woman had been a support to the writer whose own father was gravely ill in a nursing home the past few weeks.  As she entered the post office, she was thinking about the irony and sadness of it all and how she could help her friend when the man mentioned above delivered his “you’re welcome”.

The story reminded me of just how often I play one of those roles in my own day-to-day life.  Since I work with those in grief or very difficult life transitions, job loss, death, or divorce, I am often lost in thoughts of how they are feeling or how I can help them, or even my own personal issues at the moment.  How many times have I not acknowledged a kind gesture another person extended to me?  How often do I just not see it as I drift in a sea of my own thoughts?  Other times, I extend a kindness to someone and they ignore the gesture or don’t seem to notice or care.  Do they just not care?  Are they lost in thoughts and difficulties I can’t see or imagine?  Fact is, I just don’t know.

The newspaper article gave me an insight; a reason to pause and reflect on the burdens each of us carries at various times in our lives.   When I encounter a stranger I don’t really know what is going on with them at that moment.  I don’t know if they are experiencing a difficult time in their life or if they are just the ungrateful type who would never acknowledge a kindness extended to them.  I do know that I have a choice.  I can extend the kindness.  How the person on the receiving end takes it is really up to them.  I have no part in that.  Extending the kindness enriches my life.  That in itself is a wonderful gift to me.  If the receiver takes it and acknowledges it, I’m doubly blessed. 

The flip side of this however is that these are difficult times for many of us.  The newspaper article reminded me to allow room for others to grieve, to work through their difficulties in ways that work for them.  The path of grief is often jagged and sometimes causes the behaviors that we see and experience to seem a little harsher than normal. 

My insight?  I’m best served by choosing to extend love and kindness to others I encounter throughout my day.  I just never know what they are going through.  Easy to say, tough to do?  Yes but the woman in the post office served as a reminder to try and walk in love and kindness each day.

Coach Linda

Lessons on Grief from Yoga Class

Normally I don’t take a yoga class at the gym.  I often find the session a challenge for my body which resists bending and stretching in the way my fellow classmates seem to be able to manage.  But for some reason that I can’t fully explain, I had a desire to take this class that referred to the 1 hour yoga class as “restorative”.  That sounded gentle enough for me to endure.  It was and I was glad that I had made the decision.  But it is the pearls of wisdom that the yoga teacher shared with us, the challenges she gently presented us with, the invitation to think deeper that I wanted to share with you today.  I think that when considered through the eyes of grief, the thoughts offer comfort and encouragement for the grief journey.

Pearl of Wisdom #1 – After getting into a challenging yoga pose, my body began the parade of physical signs reflective of my internal thought of “let’s get this pose over with!”  The grimace, the loss of balance at one point, the verbal “ouch”, offered up by me and some of my fellow students led the teacher to the observation that many of us just wanted to end the pose.  In a gentle, soothing voice she said “remember, everything has a beginning, middle and end”.  She encouraged us to think about that during the pose, to focus on the benefit of each phase, to take what we could from the challenge of holding the pose.

And so it is with grief and loss.  It too has a beginning, middle and end.  With grief it seems that the beginning arrives in our lives uninvited, stays way too long (the middle) and the end seems nowhere in sight.  But holding to the thought that grief will pass through the beginning, to the middle and finally to the end. My experience tells me that the “end” is often different for each of us.

Pearl of Wisdom #2 – During the yoga class I glanced at the clock quite a few times.  Thoughts of “how much longer??!!”, “how long have we been working our thighs??”, “what time will I actually get back home?” filled my head.  I’m sure many of my fellow classmates suffered the same thoughts.  It seems that many of my fellow students also couldn’t resist the urge to see what time it was – often during the hour.  Our ever observant yoga leader took notice and offered the words “Time is an illusion.  Now is all we have.  Enjoy the now.”  The words helped me stop the parade of thoughts and focus on the present.

And so it is with grief and loss.  All too often we seem to be unable to stop thinking about what was, or what we want to be rather than the now.  I know that the difficult challenge when one suffers a loss is letting go.  Moving forward takes time in the grief process.  But a gentle reminder to ourselves to enjoy something about the now will help us, soothe us, and possibly give us the needed strength to move forward even if moving forward is one small step. 

So many things in life are about loss:  death, losing a job, saying goodbye to a dear friend moving away, retiring.  The list is endless since life is often about saying goodbye and letting go is difficult.  The yoga lesson offered me so much more than the physical.  Accepting the wisdom of “everything has a beginning, middle, and end” and “enjoy the now” touched me because I was open to the message.

Farrah’s Story

Farrah’s Story
I was so deeply moved by the story of Farrah which aired last Friday night. Not only her brave battle fighting cancer, but her willingness to allow us to see and experience her struggle left me profoundly moved. All too often, this side of life is lived out in private, behind closed doors.
Farrah’s story touches me on another level as well. I’m sure that as she lived her life she never imagined she would be called to do something like this. We all go along, living our lives not knowing if, when or how we will be called to be a light for others. She has shown what it means to stand up for something, to fight back against an enemy.
I watched her and wondered if I could be so brave in the face of such pain and suffering. Her inner strength, her resolve to stand with dignity in the face of death has touched me deeply.  Where are you in your grief process? 
Coach Linda